How To Be More Confident at Work (Without Looking Like a Jerk)
Whether it’s asking your colleagues to be more diligent with their work, telling your boss that you don’t like something, or asking for a raise, situations like these can feel terrifying. What if I told you that there is a way to handle these conversations without fearing you may offend someone or get in trouble? Well that’s exactly what these tips are focusing on…
Don’t View Conflict As Something Bad
Different people have different experiences, different perspectives and different goals. It is only natural that if we put a bunch of people into a group, their perspectives and goals will collide. This means that conflict is a natural part of any human cooperation.
We tend to think of conflict as something bad and scary and that it should be avoided at all cost. This is mainly because we view it as two people getting angry and screaming at each other. But in fact, if we are avoiding conflict, it’s impossible to resolve our differences and it causes tension and resentment among people. Especially at the workplace.
If you learn the correct way to handle conflict, it can become peaceful, respectful and productive. Resolving your differences leads to better relationships, respect and overall happiness of the group.
Instead of viewing conflict as a fight between you and your “opponent”, view it as a cooperative effort of you and your partner to find a solution that satisfies both.
Focus on Facts, Not Your Stories
Learn to distinguish between facts and stories. Facts are simply some verifiable data and stories are a way we interpret this data in our minds. Take this example:
Your colleague is not attending the meetings regarding your project. He missed the last 4 of them. This is a fact. Based on this fact, you think that he is lazy and doesn’t care about your project. This is your story.
The problem with stories is that you can never be sure whether they are true or not. There can be a million explanations why people act in a certain way, and most likely, the reason you came up with is incorrect. For instance in our example, the real reason why your colleague is not attending the meetings is that he is overwhelmed by other important projects, and simply doesn’t have the time to do it.
Now imagine that you would walk up to your colleague and start accusing them of being lazy and not caring. This would put them in a defensive position and would most likely result in a heated unproductive argument. The main lesson we can learn from this is to always state the facts instead of our stories, when trying to resolve an issue.
You may start by stating the facts, and then explaining how it makes you feel. In our example, you may say something like: “Hey Jim, I’ve noticed that you’ve missed the last 4 meetings regarding my project. This makes me feel like you don’t care about the project. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
And this brings us to the next point…
Try To Understand The Other Person’s Perspective First
Always assume that your counterpart knows something you don’t. This way, you will be able to approach the conversation with an open mind and better understand the other person’s perspective. On the other hand, if you start with assuming that you already know what’s going on, you close yourself off to a productive dialogue.
So to reiterate: State the facts (not your story) and encourage your counterpart to give you their explanation. Then you may explain why the situation is causing an issue for you.
Mutual understanding is the best path to finding a solution that is beneficial for both parties.
Don’t Let Emotions Get Out Of Hand
Things don’t always go smoothly and according to plan. Even if you follow the advice to start the conversation properly, your counterpart (or even yourself) may still get emotional (angry). This is because they may feel attacked and start using anger as a defense mechanism.
Be sure not to engage in the anger if this happens. When somebody starts yelling at us, it’s a natural reaction to also get angry. But you have to remember that you are not there to start a yelling contest. If emotions get out of hand, it kills any chance to have a constructive dialogue.
Don’t view your counterpart as the enemy, but rather as a friend. Remind yourself that you are working together to achieve a common goal. In our example with your coworker, the common goal is to finish your project and to have a friendly collaborative relationship. If they start getting emotional, calmly remind them of that goal.
Once you both realize that you are working together on a common goal, the conversation turns from an emotional yelling contest into a productive brainstorming session. To calm down emotions, you can use sentences like: “I don’t want to fight. I just want to make sure that we overcome this issue in order to finish our project and get our monthly bonuses”. Or “I know we both care about working in a nice and friendly environment. Let’s see if we can find a solution that makes us both happy”.
Prime Your Counterpart
When people get angry, sometimes they choose not to express their anger, but to suppress it instead. They just go silent. This happens in case they are afraid to speak up, which may be caused by several reasons. Maybe they have low confidence, or they are your subordinate and don’t want to get in trouble. When they don’t speak their mind, it is obviously not good, because even though they don’t say it, they still feel resentment towards you. This means you will not be able to find a solution to the problem.
If you recognize this situation, try to guess what is going on in your counterpart’s mind and verbalize it. For instance: “I see you aren’t saying anything. Is it perhaps because you feel that I only wan’t to get my way without caring about you?”. This is a technique called priming. After you do it, your colleague will either confirm your guess, or give you the real explanation.
There is 1 important rule of thumb in regards to priming — when you verbalize your guess, make sure it’s in “good faith”. This means that you assume that your counterpart is a reasonable and decent person. Do not assume that they are silent because they are petty, childish or irrational. An example of a guess not being in a good faith would be something like “… are you quiet because you cannot accept another opinion?”. This will not work for obvious reasons.
Look For Win-Win Solutions
The goal of conflict resolution should always be to find a solution, which makes both parties happy. By following these few simple rules, you will be able to speak your mind and resolve any potential conflicts in a productive manner, without loosing the respect of your colleagues or creating resentment.
Boost Your Confidence In Any Situation
Did you enjoy these tips and tricks on how to be more confidence in the workplace? Would you like to amplify your confidence in any social situation? I’ve put together a free guide that will help you change your mindset and feel more confident permanently.
